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Mar. 4th, 2015

Sick! Sick! Sick!

I feel horrid today. Just horrid. I have a horrid cold. Have started getting nauseous. Cramping constantly. My boobies are killing me. I have pregnant brain syndrome. Wow.

I've only felt like this with two pregnancies. Jasmine and Lilyanne. Maybe I'm having a girl. I'd love a girl. But a boy for him would be awesome since he has no children and he's the only boy in his family.

I have an ultrasound on the 16th.

I didn't know the chance of twins increases to 20% after you turn 40. Wouldn't that be crazy!!!!

We are looking at a house to rent and possibly purchase this week. 7 bedrooms. We don't have enough room in this house. I don't think Jasmine will move away from home anytime soon - which is ok because the cost of living is crazy and we are really close. It's getting more normal to live at home longer I think. It helps me to.

Working is really tough right now. I need to pick up a few more clients so I can hire another employee and NOT work. If I can't do that then I'll have to quit. I won't be able to bend over to scrub in a few months. I don't want to give up my business so I'm pushing to add clients.

Oct. 15th, 2013

?

he really really wants to work things out. He is very remorseful. Very emotional. If he's for real - what right do I have to say no? I believe in marriage. I believe in doing whatever it takes. How do I say no?????? How do I trust? How do I not just get played again? How long can he keep up good behavior? What if I try - AGAIN - and I get burned - AGAIN!!?? I am so confused.

Oct. 11th, 2013

today

After I found out about her - he said he never talked to her again. Dont' knw why I'm shocked to find out he was still involved with her all this time. I was sleep with him - he was sleeping with her too. I am sick and twisted. He is begging a pleaded and crying. How much works can the lies get

Oct. 10th, 2013

Need an outlet

I realize as I write - and talk to the few people I talk to - how much I sound like a broken record. How long I've been stuck in this. How it started out with things that FELT huge at the time - but now - that things really ARE HUGE - it seems the things I used to complain about YEARS ago when I was madly in love with him are so trivial. But they aren't. I know logically - that even though they are smaller - just because the nightmare got worse and worse - that all those other things WERE significant. They were indicators of what could - and did - come.

Even before we got married I could see things that could potentially be issues for us. Being best friends for 7 years - I knew him all too well. I could see there would be job instability. I could see he had a very strong tendency to procrastinate.

I am really not an angry person. But even before we got married - I could have days where I could feel pretty aggravated that I had asked him for weeks to do some menial task and it would not get done. Confession: I threw a toilet seat at him once. Sort of. Not AT him - but - I'd been asking him to fix the toilet seat for weeks. Probably a couple of months and it sat and sat and sat. He was in the tub one day - just being lazy - I went in to use the bathroom and just about slipped off the toilet because of the broken seat - so I grabbed the seat that was sitting there and tossed it in the tub and said "when you're done your bath - put the toilet seat on."

Over the years - these kinds of things have caused friction between us. He sees me as a critical person because I would get upset about stuff like this. He has belittled and demeaned me for my "critical" "angry" nature. And - I began to believe him. My mood shifts got so bad I was eventually diagnosed with bipolar. This was due to crying and crying about things - and getting upset and angry about things. He would tell me I was having abnormal emotional reactions and I bought into it. I really began to believe that my thoughts and feelings were NOT normal.

Now that I have not lived in the same house as him for almost three years I SEE how inaccurate that was. I do NOT have bipolar. Even though I often post here about wishing I could die - that is NOT even a bipolar thing. It's just the TRAPPED feeling I have - knowing I am allowing myself to be a victim.

Definitely I have issues. I have been in abusive relationships my entire life. I think it has caused me to see much of the abuse as normal. So when everyone around me is appalled by the things he has said and done - I excuse it. I look at HIS life and find reasons he "can't" keep a job - or reasons he "can't" feel empathy. I excuse his treatment and behavior.

OF COURSE I was fricking crying when he would walk out of a job because he thought his co-workers didn't like him and we suddenly - again - had NO money to support our children. OF COURSE I would cry when I thought he was going to work every day and would discover he had quit or been fired and was just pretending to go to work so I wouldn't know. OF COURSE I would cry when he didn't or couldn't pay bills and our utilities were shut off time and time and time again. OF COURSE I would cry when we would get kicked out of house after house because his spending habits NEVER included paying the rent. OF COURSE I would cry when he would give me $150 a week for groceries for 8 people and he would spend $100 a night a Boston Pizza eating and drinking!!!! OF COURSE I would cry about having sex 6 times a year and it only happening when I would get to a breaking point and be crying (and not crying for one night - like a week of crying - trying to figure out what was wrong with me that he didn't want me). OF COURSE I would cry when he would say maybe if I cut my hair he'd want sex more - or if I got a job and wasn't JUST a stay at home mom (of six kids) that he would be attracted to me.

The list could go on and on and on.

I am realizing he has been horrifically abusive. I would choose a beating from my first husband over the mental torture he has put me through any day. That he has manipulate me to the point where I believed I was crazy is absolutely crazy!!! What's even more crazy is I'm letting him do it still.

I don't know why - or how to break out. I KNOW the answer is to leave. CUT THE TIES TOTALLY.

How though????

This is like an addiction. No one around me understands. No counselor I've seen gets it. I am dead serious when I say it is an addiction.

This is a sick and twisted unhealthy extremely damaging relationship and in hindsight - I can see how it was all the way from day one. I adored that man - but I see now that most of it is what I conjured up in my own mind because I have an irrational need for approval. From everyone - but especially him. And because he is the LEAST likely person to give it - I seek it the MOST from him.

He doesn't disapprove in an obvious way - and so it leaves me questioning my own perceptions. It's subtle. So subtle that I DO believe it's me. I believed for years that every job he lost was because I was too critical.

In hindsight I see that I had EXTREME patience with him. For weeks - even months - and when I would finally snap he would immediately cut off affection - love - anything. And when I say snap - I don't mean yell - scream - hit - throw things - or anything. I just mean - cry. Or express that I was frustrated with the box of keepsakes that was too heavy for me to lift that sat OUTSIDE in the snow. Yes, I would speak in a frustrated tone. Yes, sometimes I raised my voice. But he has made me believe I was a horrible critical monster. For what????? Getting to a point after SIX months of needing something done that I would actually get upset?????

Good grief he really doesn't know how lucky he has been to be married to me. I don't think anyone else on this earth would have put up with his crap for 19 years. I am ridiculous!!! I think - no - I know - most women put up with his crap for several months and then bailed. Once the "honeymoon phase" would wear off and they could see he was lazy and unmotivated and an underachiever they were gone. NOT ME!!!! I guess the me who had to mother my entire life needed to mother him. And that is what I have done. Mothered him. Catered to him. Even when finding out he's cheated - lied - stolen - schemed - you name it - I STILL mother him.

The thought of leaving him to figure out his life on his own feels like taking my newborn baby out into the middle of the field and leaving it there.

WHY IS THAT?????????? What in the world is wrong with me?

Obviously he will never grow up with me continually enabling him.

I am a ridiculous fool.

Right now - I really need to send the court order for child support to maintenance. He's paid a total of $6900.00 is almost three years in child support for six kids. I have been supporting them myself and killing myself to do it. But - because he didn't appear in court - what was ordered is VERY wrong and VERY high. I know they will garnish his wages and it will be almost his whole take home. So - me being the loving enabling mother/wife that I am - has even filled out the stupid vary support court documents so he can take them in and file them and get us back to court so it is adjusted to be accurate.

I believe the fact that I even went and got a court order is the reason he is suddenly all tears and begging about he and I and our family and how much it matters.

It didn't matter much to him when he was sticking his penis in another woman's mouth all while telling me how much he wanted us to work. Nope. Just matters now that I grew a pair of boobs for a whole couple of weeks and stood up to him.

Which - obviously didn't last long. Because here I am. Trying to help him get child support adjusted. Instead - I could just send it to maintenance and leave it to HIM to fix it. HIS JOB - NOT MINE!!!! But I NEED child support. And I don't want him homeless.

ARGH. I am so mad at me.

All this talk of us getting back together always comes with talk of me buying him a car or a truck because he is sick of driving his POS.

He HAS a POS because he chose to run his business into the ground - mis-spend all our money - get everything we owned repossessed - screw around behind my back - drink - smoke - strip club - lie - cheat - steal - and lost his family because of it and THEN drink and drive.

He doesn't even NEED his POS - he lives across the street from his work. WHICH I FOUND HIM BY THE WAY - because he has never ONCE since I've known him (since we were 16) EVER taken the initiative to job hunt for himself. It's always been me. That he has worked at the same place for almost two years is a miracle. But - it's because he's a security guard at the hospital. All they do is sit around all night and occasionally get up and walk the halls and EVERY NOW and then restrain someone. It's NOT WORK!!! He could never do my job. Ever.

He complains about how if he stepped it up as a dad and a husband how he would have no "me time." I say boo hoo - cry me a river. That's what we signed up for when we had children!!!! It's not about US - it's about THEM!!!

I bust my butt to provide for our kids. My rent is quadruple what his is. I pay $1800 a month - plus utilities - plus internet - cable - cell phones - and groceries for 7 people (well 8 really because he eats here a LOT). Plus the kids friends. I provide EVERYTHING! Plus business expenses - wages - supplies - gas - $600 a month just in gas to drive to my clients houses. I have HUGE expenses!!! But I do it - I work 6 days a week two weeks a month and 5 days a week the other two. I don't EVER get four days off. And the only holidays I take off are Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Other than that - I don't take off any of those long weekends that are unimportant holidays. Oh - and New Years day I take off.

It's funny how clients are - they don't want to miss having their houses cleaned so even if everyone else takes the day off - I don't. I have to do it though.

Two of the kids are on medications my benefits don't cover and they are over $100 for a two week supply. So I'm spending $400 a month on those medications and they HAVE to have them. Dave has benefits. The kids are listed on his benefits - I know that for a fact because he asked me to fill out the paperwork for him.

Oh - did I mention he just got a promotion???? Guess who sent in the email application? ME. Why??? Because he asked. I thought it must be a big deal he couldn't figure out how to do on his computer so I get to his house and he says to open his email and he basically tells me what he wants it to say.

Literally - it was this "I have been encouraged by co-workers to apply for the shift lead position. I have given it some thought and have decided that if you feel I am qualified for the position I would like to take it. I feel I would be a good candidate for the position because I have good people skills both internally (staff) and externally (patients). I have rarely needed to resort to force to de-escalate a situation with a troubled patient because of my mild mannered nature and ability to relate to and build a rapport. I also feel I am a good candidate because of my age. I am not looking to eventually follow a new career path as some of the other, younger applicants who do not plan to stay with the company indefinitly. In close, I would like to thank you for your consideration."

That was it.

Now tell me why I had to drive all the way from the west side - over to the south side - to type something he was perfectly capable of typing himself?????

He says he can't really navigate around his computer well. Well - I'd beg to differ on that. He managed to figure out how to use Match.com, Plenty of Fish and probably six or seven other dating sites WHILE I was under the belief we were working on reconciling. But - he can't figure out how to send an email!!! BULL!!!!

I know he knows how to do that to because about a year and a half ago I came across a LOT of emails he had sent to some girl in Russia named Maria. He was really smitten with her. Said all kinds of things in his emails I would have given anything to hear throughout our married life.

Turns out it was a scam. LOL!!!! I warned him when I read the emails I thought it was a scam but he would NOT believe me. She was his dream woman (replaced me) and was going to move here from Russia to be with him. Hardly. What it turned out to be was someone trying to get him to send money he didn't have. He didn't even have a job at the time.

This whole scenario is so messed up.

Get me away! If I could move - I would. I believe it's the only way I could remove myself enough from him to actually break out.

I totally understand women stuck in abuse. Totally. Even though he doesn't live here with me - we are just as entwined as we ever were. He just gets to go home when he doesn't want to participate anymore.

But he's begging now. And crying. And really seems to realize the crap he has caused this family.

Is that possible????

Maybe my parents taught me forgiveness TOO well. It really was drilled into my head as a kid. To accept and love everyone. To not judge. To forgive. And that's what I do with everyone in my life. And mostly with him

I want to believe in him so badly. I don't want our family ripped in two. I LOVE this stupid idiot for some reason. We were happy together once - even amongst our misery.

He was my life - my air - my everything. And I guess he still is and THAT is why I stay stuck - because I still love him enough to keep tolerating his abuse. It's sickening.

My doctor said I have battered wife syndrome. I wonder if it's true. She told me when we first separated to get my brothers to go after him - to threaten him - to tell him if he ever came near me again they would kick the crap out of him - and to basically put the fear of God into him. She said if this didn't happen I would never be unstuck even if he didn't live with me. She said I am too nice. And too much of his mom. I should have done that at the time. At the time I was so angry with him I really DID shut down to him emotionally. I thought I was all tough and over him and that taking that drastic of measures wasn't necessary. But apparently she could see down the road farther than me.

Of course she could - she'd been dealing with us since the beginning of our marriage.

I know when I started typing I had a point - but I don't remember what it was. I'm basically rambling.

I think I was saying something about all his begging always comes with talk of buying him a car or truck.

Lately - I've actually been considering it - just so the stupid conversation is off the table and I can see where he is really at. I feel this last year (between affairs) that we were supposedly trying to reconcile - I feel it was all about him wanting to keep me around for my money - for the potential of him getting a new vehicle if he convince me to let him move back.

He could never convince me though because it felt like a price tag on our relationship. And I feel he slept with this last girl (I say girl because she is in her 20's) because he got fed up with me not budging on buying him a car. He wasn't getting what he wanted so he did whatever he wanted at the expense of his children's well being and my feelings.

Now he is upset because I haven't been able to forget it and drop it and let it go yet. He says it's in the past. I should put it behind us and forgive him so we can move on and fix our family. I feel like - excuse me - but it was only a few weeks ago - and only a week ago I discovered he was lying about WHO he slept with. His whole story about deleting the friend off facebook because it was inappropriate because we were getting back together - all really to be able to keep me and keep sleeping with her.

He is evil.

It's NOT even in the past yet!!! The past is when something has STOPPED happenening  for a significant amount of time. We've been in a cycle of lies for YEARS!!!! Really - our whole married life - they have just gotten bigger and bigger over time. How is his lying in the past? How is his womanizing in the past. This whole last year I thought we were working things out - and I was beginning to trust him - the WHOLE time he was looking at other options and the first one that actually wants to hook up - he takes.

Whatever.

I don't doubt if I let him back he'd cheat even living here. I dream about it all the time.

Oct. 4th, 2013

:(

I am so horrifically depressed I want to be dead. If I didn't have kids that no one would be able to take care of I would be.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

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Oct. 1st, 2013

More info comes to light

So - awhile back I had noticed this girl on Dave's facebook page named Deandra - she was his friend for like - a day - and then she was gone. I asked him who she was because I noticed she worked at the hospital where he works. He said they were acquaintances and she had friended him and then he had told her that he felt it was inappropriate because he and I were working things out and so defriended him. It didn't entirely ring true to me because he has/had tons of women in their 20's on his facebook that he would have deleted if it were really about inappropriateness. I felt he was hiding something about her. Maybe just that he had a thing for her and he didn't want me questioning him about it.

He went to Edmonton this last weekend with his mom - to take her to visit his sister and such. I had a strong impression that this "Kimberly" person he had slept with was actually Deandra. I don't know where the impression came from - but I texted him and asked him and he managed to avoid the question. I asked him again the next day and again he managed to divert the conversation a different direction. But then I talked to him on the phone and asked him and he said after going to church that day - for the first time in a least 5 years - the lesson really hit him and he felt he needed to come clean with me and yes - the woman was Deandra and he had made Kimberly up.

Sounds exactly like what he did last year when he cheated with a 24 year old name Jenna and diverted me from that by saying it was a girl named Tuesday and he had dumped her realizing he needed to be with me.

So - I was totally hurt again. I felt the sting of the pain all over again - and have a face to put to it all because I've seen her on facebook. And - that means that he was totally using my feeling for him against me with his stupid statement about "defriending her because it was inappropriate."

He exploits and uses my feelings for him for his own personal gain. To get away with things. To keep me hooked. I kind of hate him.

But he says he has really realized his mistakes and being back at church has made him realize how off track he really is.

Why do I allow myself to be suckered by him?? What in the world is wrong with me.

I actually DID go down the the courthouse yesterday to file the last of our divorce papers - but there were errors and I need one more form filled out. I'm kinda ticked I didn't have it all right because I felt strong enough to go through with it yesterday. The anger I feel for him using my feelings for him against me just makes me want to pack the kids up and move away - which I can't do.

He came over when he got back from Edmonton and talked about how being around James and Marissa (his nephew and his nephews wife who are our age) made him miss what we used to have and he loved how they looked at each other with so much love. He told me he knows he will never find a woman who will love him or understand him or accept him like I have. That I'm the only person he can have that kind of relationship with and he just wants to put the past in the past and move forward together and get that back.

I WISH I believed that could happen. I look back through pictures of when the kids were babies and he was a totally different man. YES - we always had struggles - everyone who has read my journal knows that - but at one point in time - no matter the struggles - I totally loved him and adored him and was 1000% dedicated to him. I never would have left him at that point. I would have dealt with the money struggles and job problems until we were dead if that's the way life was. It wasn't until he started being like a completely different person - and put our family in harms way that I had to get out.

I don't know if it is possible to regain what we had. The trust is so destroyed. And I honestly don't know that I believe his intentions are in the right place. I WANT to believe that he has suddenly realized how important I am to him - but I can't help but think it is STILL all money related. He wants my money. He believes he can't get anywhere in life without me because paying child support would cripple him. (although he can buy expensive clothes, smoke, drink, eat out daily sometimes twice daily).

I'm so torn. I shouldn't be. I need to walk away - run away. Likely - he is playing me again. Even if HE believes himself right now - how long can his good behaviour last when he ISN'T really a good man????? It's just a matter of time before someone catches his eye. He has a thing for 20 somethings and I can't friggin compete with that. I'm a 40 year old who's had six kids. I don't have a 20 something body or mentality.

I expect adult like behavior and responsibility and he just wants to play. He is not an adult.

I'm so angry about the lies. How I continually hear that "now everything is on the table and there is no more" and I find out there is always more.

Why am I so bound to him. Chained????? What is wrong with me.

And honestly - even when I was relatively happy with him - he wasn't ever a partner. So even if he were to be able to get back to himself - would I still be miserable because I am always carrying the weight of the kids and the housework and everything on my own shoulders with little to no help from him?

I just want to be loved and cherished and treated with respect. I want someone I feel I can treat like the king of my castle and who will treat me like the queen.

Dave has such a problem with me having needs. He resents my needs. They make him angry. How is that love???? When you love someone do you not look to fulfill their needs? He especially resents the needs I have that stem from an abusive childhood and trauma from abusive marriages. The need to be reassured. The need to be nurtured. Etc. If he really loved me - and with his understanding of the trauma I have been through (he was my friend through a lot of it) would he not be trying especially to help heal those things?

Why does he resent me having needs? He says I should fill them myself. No one should need anything from anyone. I get what he is saying - that it IS my job to take care of myself - but a marriage is about meeting each others needs and when you purposely don't - it is hurtful. Abusive in my opinion. It's not like he doesn't have needs from me. He has tons. And I meet them. I anticipate them so he rarely has to ask.

We are so not compatible. I feel so alone and so insignificant - and now ugly with him.

After being compared to all these women he's had crushes on - I feel horribly ugly and fat and gross about myself. Why does he feel the need to tell me why he's attracted to someone at work and how it's because they are something I am not? Like - once he said he was attracted to a certain nurse because she smiled and laughed a lot and I am not like that. Well - HELL NO I'M NOT LIKE THAT with HIM!!!!! I am a smiley happy fun person with everyone else. That is partly why my clients love me. I am fun and easy to talk to. But how do you be that when you are living your life with a man who lies to you at every turn - then makes the lie and the thing lied about my fault - then finds a way to make me feel like I'm a crazy psycho to cover his lies? Who flirts - who cheats - and who straight out tells you they find a person attractive because of something I am not!! I live my life in fight or flight with him - constantly. It is constantly looming over me that if I don't behave in a way he likes - or if I cry about something - or if I am not giving him what he wants - when he wants - he will with hold love from me - and NOW - he will just go find someone to screw.

He has straight out said - he was attracted and had an affair with a 24 year old GIRL because she was younger, skinnier, hotter, smaller and doesn't look like she's had six children. What kind of a man says something like that to his wife he is supposedly trying to reconcile with.

I truly think he is sick and demented.

I don't know if I wrote in my last post about him asking me to get a tongue ring (because his last affair had one) or that he laughed about getting a blow job on her front porch - while I was sitting with him crying and feeling so hurt.

What is wrong with him???????

I really wish he would take a long walk off a - however that saying goes.

And why do I let him sucker me back in. His talking about being at church and how he realizes how off track he is and how he will go to church again this sunday.

Truly - if he were sincere and ready to really repent and get his life together - I would stand by him. But I don't know how to get over my anger. And I don't really believe he is for real.

I think he is truly a narcissist.

Sep. 29th, 2013

Continued

I will say I truly understand how women get stuck in abusive marriages for years and years and years. I get it - totally. I feel like I am in one. I feel like something is wrong with me and I don't know how to fix it. Everyone says it's a simple as a choice. I can see their logic - but I cannot do it. Most the time because I don't really want to do it - but that is the question???? WHY don't I?

Dave is nothing but a lying cheating scheming manipulative lazy dead beat dad.

I've given him chance after chance after chance after chance. I keep trying to believe in him. Every time he screws up - I forgive him and try to believe this time will be different. But in truth - every go round gets worse.

So - he's cheated with a couple of different women over the last year.


Basically - during all our periods of time when we've been trying to "work things out" - he's really been cheating or looking for someone to cheat with.

I'm stupid for still entertaining the idea we could work.

He goes for women in their 20's. He's a teen trapped in a man's body.

This last time around was horrific. I could sense something was going on - felt sick to my stomach. Felt like I was going to puke all the time. Had anxiety to the point I got a prescription for ativan. I would question him about things and he would use the "mental health" issues I have. Like I was paranoid. I was always looking for the bad. it was all in my imagination. Basically - the things he said did cause me to feel I was going crazy and I really considered suicide often because I felt if I was going to be like that all my life - what was the point in living.

We started talking about how he was living a double life. Spending some time here with me and the kids - and the rest of his time out with his co-workers (who were also in their 20's) and that things could not progress with us if that's how it was. So we had planned to make a shift and do more family things and he said he'd give up his double life but he wasn't sure how to integrate me into his life. So I'm thinking that was weird. Like why would they care. Turns out that he had never told any of his co-workers we were trying to work things out. In is OTHER life - he was a single guy - partying it up - drinking - trying to pick up women - flirting with women at work - blah blah blah.

He had confessed to me that he flirted with women at work and I was hurt.

I still felt more was going on than I knew. I went to Kalispel with my mom for a weekend and he was suppose to stay with the kids. He didn't. Wasn't with them the whole weekend. I was pissed about that. I had just had to go to the RCMP and do a video statement against my brother (a whole nother story) and I was scared my brother would be mad and come over and cause a scene. So I was pissed that Dave didn't care enough about the kids well being to be here.

I got back and found out my best friend was killed. I had a LOT happen through the month of july and Dave treated me like garbage. He then told me - the day after my friends funeral - he wanted me to finish the divorce. I was devastated. I thought we were working things out. Our son was upset and kept asking him why. What had I done wrong. Dave said - to Cody - that he just didn't have it in him to try to fix our family any more. Cody was really upset about that. And like Dave had EVER done ANYTHING to try to fix our family. NEVER. We fought for awhile and I said I would finish the papers the next day. Then he changes his mind. Says maybe we can figure things out. We decide we will start putting into the kids and be more of a family and see where things went.

The next day I went to see him. He wasn't quite home from work and I was pretty riled up - still feeling like something was up so I went for a walk around the hospital. He works there and his apartment is across the street. I figured the walk would take about as long as it would be til he was off work. On the way there I had prayed to God - in an angry way actually - to GIVE ME A SIGN!!!! That if I was being anxious for nothing - to take the anxiety away so we could fix this family. But if there WERE something going on - to make it obvious.

I walk around the corner and there he is sitting on a picnic table texting. he said he only ever texted me so I walked up behind him and said "man you sure have a hard job" - he shoved his phone in his pocket fast. I said we should go for a walk (away from his co-workers) - so we walked and I made him give me his phone. I did it in a manipulative way by saying I would follow him in the hospital and cause a scene and I didn't care if I was arrested for it because I was sick of being lied to and made to feel like some crazy psycho because of his lies.

I THOUGHT I would find a flirty conversation. but no - I read that he's been sleeping with this girl. She texted him "you're getting back together with your wife and you're touching me - lol"

I was just sick. I took his phone and just went to his house to wait for him.

He gets there. We fight. His mom flies into the conversation (she lives with him) about how horrible I am and how much of a liar I am - that he would never do those kinds of things to me - that all he wants is his family back. it was brutal.

We fought for awhile and then I said all I ever wanted was the truth and now I had it - I would do the divorce. He said he didn't love me, couldn't love me, never would love me and could never be happy with me. He also said this girl was of no consequence - she was just a friend with bennefits that he didn't really care about. And easy target. Also in her twenties. I had texted her that he had a wife and kids and that I was hurting and whatever he was saying to her were lies.

So I go to leave and I tell him the process to finish the divorce and suddenly - he again - just like the first time he cheated - flipped like a switch. Asked for another chance. Could I see anything in him worth standing by. told me he had problems he needed to get help with. Asked me to support him. And so what do I do????? I say ok!!!!

How stupid am I????? WHY??? Why did I do this.

Not only that - a couple of days later he starts hitting on me and so we have sex. So we have basically resumed a sex life. And he wants it more than ever when we were married.

He wants to work things out.

But how many times have I heard that.

He has said such cruel and hurtful things. He told me she gave him a blow job on her front porch and he laughed about it. He thought it was funny. I was sitting there bawling that I'd been played - again - and he laughs about getting a blow job on the front porch. He also asks me if I'd ever consider getting a tongue ring. So OBVIOUSLY SHE HAD ONE!!!! Way to put a visual image in my head I'll never be able to get rid of.

He also says he wants to work things out but can't promise he won't cheat again. Especially if I don't hurry and let him move back. Basically he blames me that he cheated. Says he did because all of our talk about getting back together wasn't going anywhere.

But it wasn't me preventing it!!! How do you let someone who's cheated (the first time or two) who says they refuse to put in to the relationship UNLESS and UNTIL I allow him to move back. Who says IF he moved back he can't promise he'll ever really love me. Who says we probably won't have an affectionate relationship for a long long time. Who spends all his time with everyone BUT his family.

How would I have let him move back under those circumstances. The selfish self absorbed immature dude who says helping with the kids is like slavery. That he should have to because he doesn't live here in my house and therefor it is not his responsibility.

He is SUCH A LOSER DOUCHE BAG!!!! I hate him so much on so many levels.

And yet I still am clinging to the possibilities we could work. That THIS time maybe he realized how close he came to losing me and has realized I actually really matter to him.

How absolutely pathetic am I.

Basically - him blaming me for him cheating is ALSO a threat. That if I don't do what he wants - when he wants - he'll just go cheat.

But he's saying now that he loves me. That our family matters. That he'll go to his bishop and repent and get his life on track. That he won't cheat.

He told me that he didn't really have girls falling all over him like he said he did. He just said that to light a fire under my ass and get me to hurry up and let him move back because he knows he can scare me with other women.

Is that not totally a mind game?????? He says when I cry I am manipulating him. I fail to see how crying is manipulating. I've had plenty of reasons to cry. But him saying he told me he had women fall all over him to scare me - that is a total MIND F$%^

I am in bondage. I want to run away. Far far far away - because clearly this will happen again. And if I let him move back - it could happen even if he lived here. He's clearly very capable of not caring at all about how he's hurting me or the kids. He says if he lived here - he will not cheat. But if he doesn't - and things don't move fast enough - he can't promise.

So I live in fear. I life every day wondering if today is the day he will feel like I've made him wait too long.

he wants me to drop it and forget it happened. To him it happened a long time ago. But it was only in July. And it was NOT the first time. And him calling younger women easy targets disturbs me.

So many things disturb me.

When he started playing the truth card - he confessed that July before last - when he had an affair it wasn't really with who he said it was with. He made the whole thing up to divert my attention from the real one. He had told me he was moving on with his life with someone else and to go do whatever I had to do to get over him. So I went to Kelowna with Mike. And after day three - I felt like I could deal with the fact he'd moved on. But when I got home - he was on my porch waiting for me. Said he had an epiphany while I was gone and that if he put into me what he was putting into her - we could actually work. And we slept together then too. But nothing really was different - he was still going out drinking and partying. Would show up at my house at like 3 in the morning and crash in my bed smelling like booze but telling me someone must have spilled on him - or that it was just permeating the air and got in his clothes. BULL.

There was a day he was suppose to show up at my house by 8 am to watch the kids while I worked. I had a ten hour day ahead of me. He didn't show. I went to work and was pissed all morning. But by noon I was scared something had happened to him. As much as he is the way he is -it was not like him to not be here for the kids. By two I was having his mom and brother come into town to look for him. He finally called me and said he drank so much he passed out and couldn't remember anything that happened. He had been telling me he didn't drink anymore - that losing his license had made him realize how dumb it was. So he also confessed that he was drinking all those time.

He had listened to his voice mail from Lilyanne - who had called him all excited asking when he'd be here. Then called again saying "dad, I thought you were coming to watch us - when will you be here" to calling him again crying saying "you were suppose to come take care of us and you aren't here"

he said that broke his heart and so get quit drinking. I believed him. After that experience it seemed he got on track which is why we started revisiting the getting back together thing.

So anyway - after I found out about this last affair he confessed that he made up that girlfriend to divert me from who it really was. Which didn't surprise me because I thought it was her all along. The 24 year old. He had even moved home at one point and spent all his time with her - so I had kicked him back out. But he insisted they were just friends. After he told me about his epiphany - he started telling people (supposedly) that we were getting back together - and was calling me his wife again and I FELL for it!!!!! All the while he's still out with her - still texting her - still pursuing her.

What had really happened is that she didn't really ever feel anything for him. She used him. Like 24 year olds do because she had no one else. And then she got a real boyfriend and started treating him like he didn't exist - which is why he came back to me. But he still attempted to get her for a few months. It pissed me off he talked to her and texted her - but - I was trying to be supportive of him having friends because I didn't want to lose him.

HOW DUMB AM I????

I even invited this girl over for frickin dinner!!! He had her bring her bike over to my house so he could fix it in my garage!!!

He is such an ASS!!!!!!

So WHY am I sitting here STILL trying to work things out with him??????

I'm sure the reason he flipped the switch back to wanting to work things out is because he has not paid child support. He has paid 6090.00 in almost three years. He has taken the kids overnight four times. He doesn't even take them to his house for the day. divorce means he loses me - who is his wife AND his mom - and he can't get out of child support anymore and he'd have to actually exercise his parenting time at HIS house! Right now - he comes over here to see them - I act like his wife still. I cook good meals - we eat as a family - and then he goes home when the responsibilities kick in.

I make WAY better money than he does. I have my life totally together OTHER than this crap with him. He can't make it without me. He can't function without me doing everything for him. He doesn't want the responsibility of taking the kids to his house on weekends and having to do the cooking and cleaning up after them.

He has it made right now. He has his cake and is eating it to.

But he says he really is ready to change now. And I want to believe him. I want us to be a family and maybe this truly is real???????

Sep. 26th, 2013

Long Novel. Summary of the last 7 years.

I haven't written much for a long time. I used to write all the time. When I had good, and bad things to say. I know a lot I wrote was negative - this was my place to vent my frustrations I guess. But somewhere along the way - things started getting so bad I started to become ashamed of the things that were going on. Ashamed of myself - my husband - and just plain mad at myself for tolerating things for so many years. For some reason this won't let me use my enter button --------

Sep. 22nd, 2013

Help

I wish someone could help me.

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Aug. 1st, 2013

Addictions

Addictions to women.

How does a wife deal with that and support that?

I don't know what to do. I feel stupid even thinking about standing by him. Probably he'll just be cheating. Probably all his talk right now is just a ploy of some kind. Probably he is just manipulating me as he has been for the last 6 years at least.

Why do I love a man who is a liar and a cheat and a master manipulator?

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